This time, ten years ago, I was preparing to send my husband on his first missions trip to the Phillipines for two weeks. At the time, we had a 6, 4, 2, and one year old. I remember the crippling fear that I had to work through when I would have thoughts like, “What if something happens to him?” “I can’t raise our children with no daddy.” Thoughts like these came more and more as the time drew near for him to leave.
I confided my fears to someone else and let them help me carry the burden and take it to Jesus. I made it through those two weeks and he returned home safely. I relied on God’s word while he was gone and was very encouraged and loved by LOTS of people making it much easier than I had anticipated. I wish I could say that was the last time I dealt with fear that year, but it was only the beginning. Shortly after he got back, I began experiencing terrible stomach pains and after driving myself to the hospital in the middle of the night because he needed to stay at home with the children we found out that my gall bladder needed to come out SOON. I had a little bit of fear going in to the surgery but nothing that I couldn’t just get beyond. Within 48 hours of the surgery when I should have been feeling considerably better, I began running a high fever, and again having severe pain…Fear rushed in…I didn’t think I would live through this.
I spent the next 5 weeks in the hospital and the doctors explained to Rick that I was very sick and might not make it…I won’t drag out the gory details of the following weeks but I vividly remember sometime during the second week as my body was withering and doped up, my mind, oblivious, God spoke to my heart,”You shall not die, but live.” At that point fear was broken and I began to make some improvements. I kept reminding myself of what I had heard and when I shared it with Rick, we realized these were the same words from Psalm 118:13,17 “My enemies did their best to kill me, but the Lord rescued me. I will not die but live to tell what the Lord has done.”
It came as quite a shock to us after being out of the hospital for only 2 months that I was pregnant. Immediately, I was consumed with fear. Would I be able to carry this baby? Would he/she have abnormalities or problems as a result of the 13-16 pills I was still on every day? Would he be born and then I would lose him? The questions were unending, but I began to study and believe the Lord led me to Genesis 50:20-21 and I knew that I could apply these verses to my life also. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so that I could save the lives of many people. No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.”
Unfortunately, I look at my 30th year of life as the Year of Fear…. Afraid of losing my husband, afraid of dying and my children having no momma, afraid of losing a child….BUT GOD is SO GOOD….
The day I found out I was pregnant, I stopped taking ALL of those pills and spent the next months telling the Lord that I would trust Him. Rick and I had always said that we wanted to be finished having babies by the time I was 30 and that we had compromised because he wanted two children and I wanted 6 and as far as we knew at that point the 6, 4,,2,and 1 year olds that we had were a complete package for us. I have never been so happy to be SO wrong. God was gracious and gave us a constant reminder of His faithfulness an hour after I turned 31 when Aidan Titus was born. He was whole, healthy, completely protected and unaffected by all the drugs that went through his little body in it’s early weeks of formation. His name means Giant Fire….the giant fire that the enemy planted in my stomach with all intentions of ending me, GOD intended for my GOOD. God kept Aidan in place until just after that 30th year ended to say to me,”I am doing a new thing!” It took me over half of the next decade and the birth of another precious baby to fully understand a little more about God’s faithfulness!
What I thought about life when I was 30 is so different than what I think of life as I approach 40 and instead of being gripped by fear and thinking in such a small box,I look at this next decade excitedly, I can’t wait to see what God has in mind for us, our children, and probably before a new decade comes, our grandchildren…I know now that I can trust that His plans and the prophecies in those verses he planted in my heart are bigger than my fears. HE is FAITHFUL and I can trust HIM!